Fun Stuff!
Here is a collection of interesting & entertaining things I've collected that you might enjoy!
SHOEING A MULE  by Don Pitts

I was down in the south on a horseshoeing spree,
When an old country farmer called on me.
"My mule needs shoeing bad," he said,
"And the last man to shoe him is long since dead."

Well my dad always said that only a fool
Would ever hire out to shoe a mule.
But I was full of Texas pride,
With a lot more guts than brains inside.

When I got to the farm the mule was there,
And there's not a bigger mule anywhere.
He was tall and wide, but hard and lean,
With an eye that looked just downright mean.

But I didn't falter, I go my tools,
While thinking "I might charge more for mules."
I picked up a hoof, then he picked up me,
He won the first round easily.

I got up slow and picked up my hat,
While wondering how that mule did that.
I grabbed his front hoof and stuck like glue,
My teeth were all loose when the jarring was through.

In an hour and a half I'd finished the front,
But I knew that was the easiest stunt.
The hind feet still were left to go,
And that's the business end, you know.

The farmer smiled as I eased on in,
And said "Here's where the fun begins."
As I grabbed the hoof the mule gave me a kick
In the chest and shoulder, dern he was quick!

We wrestled an hour, he fought like sin,
I won one round-he won ten.
He wasn't bothered by the whip and the switch,
He tore up my halter and chewed up my twitch.

The running W was no good at all,
He jumped and twisted until he'd fall.
Stretched out with a tractor, he 'bout came around,
Till he broke the post he was tied to down.

I only knew of one more way
To hold that mule's hind foot at bay.
A double W dallied 'round a post,
Might give me three minutes, at the very most.

The only good stout post I found
Was the one they'd built the barn around.
But it was strong, and held him tight,
And it looked as though I'd won the fight.

Yes, I thought at last I'd won the duel,
And proved that I was smarter than a mule.
I finished one foot and started the last,
I never knew I could shoe so fast!

As I got the last nail clinched up tight,
The mule attempted one last fight.
It was that last kick that did the most,
And broke down the barn's supporting post.

Old timbers were falling, we ran for the door,
The mule stomped us both into the floor.
We scrambled on, but got hit from behind
By a mule-drawn post, the airborne kind.

Well the barn was wrecked, the mule was gone,
I figured it was time to move along.
The farmer was nice enough to say
He'd needed a new barn anyway.

I took my cash and headed west,
Thinking "Dad always did know best."
And if I ever shoe a mule again,
It'll be inside the looney bin!
CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING

Dear Ma & Pa,
I am well, hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.  
Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.  I
was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
mix, wood to split or fire to lay.  Practically nothing.  Men got
to shave but it's not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast
is strong on the trimmings like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two boys that live on coffee.  
Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed
again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.  We
go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are
longs walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different.  A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks.  The country is nice, but awful flat.  The
sergeant is like a school teacher, he nags a lot.  The Captain
is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around
and frown, they don't bother you none.  This next will kill
Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for
shooting, I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting back at
you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your
own cartridges, they come in boxes.  
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  
You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be careful,
though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that
old bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except
for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him
once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol
The FBI was looking to hire another agent, so after background
checks, interviews and testing was done there were 3 finalists, two
men and one woman.  For the final test, the FBI agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  Agents
told him "We must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter the circumstances.  Inside this room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair.  Kill her!!"  The man said, "You can't be serious, I
could never shoot my wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the
right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home."  
The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the
gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  
can't kill my wife."  The agent said "You don't have what it takes,
take your wife and go home."
Finally it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into
the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes,
all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow.  "This gun is loaded
with blanks," she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER VIRGINIA SON:

Dear Son,
I am writing slow because I know that you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.  I
won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine.  The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and
haven't seen them since.  It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second
time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got the bill from the funeral home.  It said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's
funeral bill, up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely new job.  He has over 500 men under him.  He is cutting grass at the
cemetery.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't
know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving and the other two were in the
back.  The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned,
they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat.  Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and then
he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.  Write more often.

Love,
Mom

P.S.  I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
BROKE IS BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on  her door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away," said the old lady, "I haven't got any money, I'M
BROKE!"  She proceeded to close the door, quick as a flash,
the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open.  "Don't be too hasty," he said, "Not until you see my
demonstration."  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure into her hallway carpet and said "If this vacuum
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said "Well, I hope you've got a
good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Counter

  • If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under
    the horse and quit fighting.
  • As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.
  • If you get that done in 30 minutes, you'll be making $160 per hour.
  • That's not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.
  • I see who makes all the money in horses - farriers!!
  • My last farrier couldn't finish - he gave me your name & number.
  • You don't mind if I feed the other horses, do you?
  • I'm going to pull his mane & brush him to keep myself busy.
  • Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?
  • If he didn't kick like that, I'd trim him myself.
  • Would you mind trimming my new BLM Mustang?
  • Can we shoe him in the arena?  If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.
  • You sure earned your money on that one!
  • I forgot you were coming, I just turned all the horses out.
  • Can you make it after 6 P.M. or on Sunday, I have to work.
  • I just cannot believe that he bit you.
  • I read all about the Natural Way to trim on the internet, and you're supposed to...
  • Did that hurt?
  • I know he's difficult to shoe, but he's so good on the trails.
  • It doesn't look like he's leaning from here.
  • Good morning, glad you're here, can we re-schedule?  I have a lot going on today.
  • It's so cool that he can balance on just two feet.
  • Can you shoe him so that he doesn't paw?
  • Don't tell my husband that I used the grocery money.
  • Most times when he kicks, he misses!
  • Just do the hinds - I'll do the fronts.
  • I left the checkbook in the car and my husband just left - can you bill me?
  • I'm sure glad you don't mind working on muddy feet.
  • Does it mean that my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the
    paint off your truck like that?
  • This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees...
  • We need to keep the price down on this bill.
  • I got a bargain on these shoes at a yard sale, could you use them instead to save
    me some money?
  • Oops!  Wrong horse!
  • I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe 'em as well?
  • My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same
    time.
  • I've got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape.  The previous owners
    said their farrier wouldn't work on him.
  • I know it's been a long day for you, that's why I saved the worst one for last.
  • If my other farrier's ribs weren't broken, he'd be able to get shoes on this horse.
  • It's a good thing you're slow today, or he'd have had shoes on when he kicked your
    truck.
  • My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.
  • I don't understand why the shoes didn't stay on, I just had them done 12 weeks ago.
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2
cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him.  When class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He
then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar.  He shook the jar lightly and the pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the
jar was full.  They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if
the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand.  The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the
important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full.  The pebbles are the
other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car.  The
sand is everything else---the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life.  If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for the things that are important to you."
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Pay
attention to your spiritual needs.  Play with your children.  Take time
out to get medical check-ups.  Take your spouse out to dinner.  Play
another 18.  There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal.  Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.  
Set your priorities.  The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented.  The professor smiled.  "I'm glad you asked," he said, "it
just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
HORSE SALE LINGO FOR DUMMIES

Have you ever gone to an auction or read an ad and wondered if you need an interpreter?  I’ve comprised a list of common terms and phrases you might
hear at an auction or by the seller of a horse, followed by its real interpretation.  These are primarily intended for entertainment, but are laced with some
truth, you decide for yourself which applies.  Perhaps a few of these you can relate to an experience of your own!  If you’re easily offended, please stop
reading now.

Seller’s Terms…what they really mean…

•        NAG = Any horse
•        PUKE = A bad horse
•        NEEDS HIS FEET DONE = My farrier won’t touch him
•        USED TO WEARING SHOES = Lame as hell
•        STARTED UNDER SADDLE = Saddled once
•        READY TO FINISH = Saddled & longed
•        TRAIN HIM YOUR WAY = I give up
•        SADDLE BROKE = Never been ridden…successfully
•        GREEN BROKE = Ridden once or twice
•        30 DAYS PROFESSIONAL TRAINING = 10 Rides
•        GOOD BROKE = Lame
•        ALREADY BROKE = 2 fences, 1 arm, 6 buckets, etc.
•        BOMBPROOF = No such thing
•        QUIET = Lame in both front legs
•        DEAD QUIET = Lame in all 4 legs
•        TRAFFIC SAFE & SOUND = Lame in all 4 legs, deaf & blind
•        NO VICES = Especially when he wears his muzzle
•        LIGHT CRIBBER = We can’t afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw to destroy
•        MIGHT GRAB A LITTLE WOOD = Equine beaver
•        WILL GRAB THE WOOD A LITTLE = Same as above
•        SOUND = Needs bute
•        NEEDS BUTE = You’ll be burying him next year
•        RECENTLY VETTED = Someone else found something badly wrong with the horse
•        NO VICES = Doesn’t smoke
•        FAMILY HORSE = Long backed, the whole family can fit on him at once
•        TRAIL HORSE = He can’t do anything else
•        STAND UP HORSE = High headed & proud
•        HE’LL LOPE RIGHT OFF = As you try to mount
•        FREE MOVING = Bolts
•        BOLD = Runaway
•        ATHLETIC = Runaway, but looks good doing it
•        VERY ATHLETIC = Will runaway & look good, but also bucks & rears
•        BEGINNER’S HORSE = Dead sided & un-responsive
•        NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER = Might run off, get life insurance
•        NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER = Will run off, potentially lethal, up your life insurance
•        HAS BEEN RIDDEN BY KIDS = Adults know better than to get on it
•        4-H HORSE = Common nag
•        RIDES LIKE A BURNT STUMP = Very rough & heavy
•        LIGHT ON THE FRONT = Rears
•        LIGHT BEHIND = Kicks
•        HE DOESN’T LOOK TOO GOOD = Blind
•        HAS A SPECK IN HIS EYE = Going blind
•        NEEDS SOME GROCERIES = Skeleton with fur
•        EASY KEEPER = Foundered
•        ELEGANT = Thin
•        ALL PURPOSE HORSE = Good at nothing & ugly to boot
•        REINING HORSE = Barrel horse
•        BARREL HORSE = Ring sour
•        FINISHED REINER = I’m finished with him
•        BIG STOP = You’ll hit the dashboard a few times until you un-train him
•        PLUS SPINS = You’ll need a barf bag
•        AUTOMATIC LEAD CHANGES = Takes care of himself
•        LOTS OF HANDLE = Steers easily
•        LOTS OF CHROME = A lot of white markings, flashy
•        FLASHY = Pretty to look at, difficult to handle
•        EXCELLENT DISPOSITION = Never been out of his stall
•        WELL MANNERED = Hasn’t stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
•        PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED = Hasn’t stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a month
•        JUST HAD HIS TEETH DONE = Skinny
•        NEEDS HIS TEETH DONE = Old & skinny
•        LONG IN THE TOOTH = 10 days older than baseball
•        SMOOTH MOUTH = Old enough to vote
•        OFF IN THE WIND = Get him an inhaler
•        NEVER BEEN OFF THE FARM = Doesn’t load
•        FIRST TIME TO TOWN =We finally got him loaded this morning
•        NEVER BEEN IN A SALE RING BEFORE = We finally got him loaded this morning with some ace & a blindfold
•        RIDES THE SAME OUTSIDE = Just as bad
•        BUYING HIM WITH A RIDE ON THE OUTSIDE = You can try him outside after you buy him, then I’ll make an excuse not to give your money back.
•        CROSS-BRED = Something jumped the fence
•        UP IN THE BRIDLE = Will pull your arms out of their sockets
•        PROMPT = If you set the reins down, you’ll be walking home
•        COGGINS TEST = Blood test for Equine Infectious Anemia
•        HAS CURRENT COGGINS TEST = Just came from another sale
•        TEST HIM = Draw blood for Coggins test (don’t ask what happens if it comes back positive!)
•        HE NEEDS A NEW ZIP CODE = I’m not taking him home with me today
•        UNREGISTERED = Probably stolen
•        WAS REGISTERED BUT PAPERS ARE LOST = Somebody didn’t pay their board bill
•        SELLING AS GRADE TODAY = I don’t want you to know hold old the nag really is
•        PUREBRED, BUT NO PAPERS = I’m in a bad mood and you’re not getting the papers for as cheap as you’re buying him
•        COULD HAVE BEEN REGISTERD = I was too lazy to do 5 minutes worth of paperwork
•        SELLS WITH APPLICATION = I was too cheap to pay the $20 fee to register him when he was a baby, now you’ll have to pay $500 if you want to get him
registered
•        I’VE HAD HIM SINCE HE WAS A BABY = I couldn’t sell him even when he was cute
•        TO GOOD HOME ONLY = Not really for sale unless you will pay twice what he’s worth, allow me to tuck him in beddy-bye every night and are willing to
sign a 3 page legal document giving me first right of refusal.
•        FIRST RIGHT OF REFUSAL = You have to check with me before you sell this horse because I want you to sell him back to me for what you paid me for
him (or less), even though you’ve invested a considerable amount in training and showing.  If you ever call me out on this, I won’t have the money anyway
•        I WANT TO BE ABLE TO COME AND SEE HIM = I will either be a giant pain in your back-side or you will never hear from me again
•        ONLY FOR SALE BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MANY HORSES = I hate this thing & I’m afraid he’ll outlive me
•        ONLY FOR SALE BECAUSE THE FEED PRICES ARE TOO HIGH = This nag isn’t worth feeding
•        FOR SALE BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO COLLEGE = I’m finally done feeding this nag
•        SOUND AS A DOLLAR = How sound is that these days?
•        PRETTIER THAN YOUR SECOND WIFE & WORTH EVERY PENNY = Nice horse so help yourself!
•        I BOUGHT HIM LAST YEAR FOR $5000 = I got took & I’m going to cut my losses
•        HASN’T BEEN RIDDEN ALL WINTER, BUT HE’S REALLY QUIET = Up your medical insurance & make sure you have plenty of sick time
•        HE CAN COVER SOME REAL ESTATE = Runs like a deer & doesn’t stop easily
•        HE HAS A BIG MOTOR = Likes to go…fast!
•        YOU’LL WANT TO KEEP A ROPE ON HIM FOR AWHILE = Impossible to catch
•        EASY TO CATCH = Very old
•        MIGHT BE A DIFFERENT HORSE TOMORROW = After the drugs wear off
•        NEEDS A JOB = Needs to be working, and hard
•        HE’S AN ORIGINAL, A RIG OR A RIDGLING = A stallion with only one testicle descended
•        HE’S A LITTLE STRINGY = Has stringhalt
•        LET YOUR POCKETBOOK BE YOUR GUIDE = Don’t overpay & then come crying to me.  What you see is what you get.
•        BUYING HIM ON THE SAWDUST = Don’t ask, don’t tell
•        GONNA BE THE NEXT ONE SOLD = Bid if you’re going to because the hammer’s about to fall
•        ALL FOR SALE = Same as above
•        ONE WAY TRIP = Here to be sold even if I have to pay you to take him
•        SELLS WITHOUT A RECOMMENDATION = Don’t call me, I’ll call you
•        KILL PEN = A holding area for horses expected to be sold to meat buyers
•        HE’S GOT A HITCH IN HIS GIDDY-UP = Lame
•        NEAR SIDE = Left side
•        OFF SIDE = Right side
•        MARE = Good 1 week, bad 3 weeks of each month
•        LOVES TO BE BRUSHED = An overgrown pet who has never been made to do anything
•        JUMPING PROSPECT = I can’t keep him in my pasture
•        EVENT PROSPECT = Big, fast horse
•        DRESSAGE PROSPECT = Big, slow horse
•        BARREL PROSPECT = Fast horse that will turn
•        ENDURANCE PROSPECT = Fast horse that will turn sometimes
•        BIG TROT = Can’t canter in a 2 mile straightaway
•        LOTS OF POTENTIAL = Under the right circumstances you might be able to ride him
•        HE CAN DO IT ALL = Buck, bite, kick, rear, strike, etc…
•        HE HAS SOME HOLES IN HIM = He’s got problems, either physical, mental or both
•        STARTED O/F = Started over-feeding because we can’t ride
•        NO TIME FOR HIM = He’s lucky to be fed
•        SELLING DUE TO RETIREMENT = He’s making us old
•        SELLING DUE TO DIVORCE = My spouse certainly couldn’t stand him
•        MUST SELL = Husband has left home and taking the kids
•        ALL OFFERS CONSIDERED = I’ve been in traction for 6 months
•        TO LOVING HOME ONLY = Expensive
•        TO SHOW HOME ONLY = Very expensive
•        LOUD COLOR = Highlighted with spray paint
•        ATTRACTIVE = Bay
•        15.2 HANDS = 14.3 hands
•        16.2 HANDS = 15.3 hands
•        HOME-BRED = Knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
•        NICELY STARTED = We can longe him, but we don’t have enough insurance to ride him yet
•        TOP SHOW HORSE = He won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a small show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
•        GREAT HALTER PROSPECT = Bred for beauty, not for brains
•        GREAT BLOODLINES = He can’t do anything but that’s OK because some horse 5 generations back did something
•        PROVEN SIRE = The mare we bred him to had a baby
•        PROVEN BROODMARE = She had at least one baby
•        SHOULD MATURE TO 16 HANDS = Currently 13h, dam is 14.3h, sire is 15h, every horse in his pedigree 18 generations back is under 15h but this horse
will defy his DNA
•        VERY BRAVE = Even a whip can’t force him back
•        CLIPS, LOADS & HAULS = Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls a@@ across  the parking lot as you try to load him
•        A BABYSITTER = The auctioneer has no idea if he really is, but he’s cute so he must be
•        HE’S A RESCUE = Hopefully you’ll feel sorry for him, too
•        UP-HEADED = Wants to go and fast
•        GOOD BOY’S HORSE = Driving horse that goes & goes faster
•        WON’T STAND AT CORNERS = High powered driving horse who will not stand still at stop signs
•        TOP BUGGY HORSE = Big & strong enough to pull the large amish buggies
•        PONY = Anything 56 “ and under
•        MINI = Anything 38” and under
•        TOP SIDE (LINE) = Sire’s lineage
•        BOTTOM SIDE (LINE) = Dam’s lineage
•        WAS RUNNING WITH A STALLION = Might be in foal
•        COMES A CROPPER = Stops at jumps
•        SHIES A BIT = Spooky driving horse
•        PONY TYPE =Small & hairy
•        ARAB TYPE = Looks startled
•        THOROUGHBRED TYPE = Looks terrified
•        QUARTER TYPE = Chunky
•        HALTER TYPE = Fat
•        WARMBLOOD TYPE = Big & hairy
•        DRAFT TYPE = Bigger & exceedingly hairy

LATE ADDITIONS:        

  • HE'S WEARIN' A PAIR = Intact male horse, a stallion
Horse Dictionary:
Arena:
 Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit:  Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the
extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking:  Counter-irritant.
Cross-ties:  Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage:  Process by which some riders can eventually be taught
to respect the bit.
Fence:  Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain:  Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail:  Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer:  Mobile cave bear den.
Jump:  An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch:  Type of puzzle.
Longeing:  Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner:  Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider:  Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier:  Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out
aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer:  Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian:  Flightless albino vulture.
The Truth About Breeder Lingo:  what they say...and what it really
means
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and was in 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse
in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatshisname is twice in the
fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Un-trainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's
cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two
days before your horse is due to come into season.
financial liability into a liquid asset.
Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during
the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows
through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this
condition rapidly.
Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly
sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to
support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used
to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.
Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. (also see Filly)
Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right
before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy
boots.
Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he
administeres mineral oil to his horse.
Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with
you in the woods.
Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while
your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
Feed - Expensive substance utlized in the manufacture of large quantities of
manure.
Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to
chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
Filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.
Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also
own dogs and cats.
Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or
knock you over - he cannot be punished.
Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm,
usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."
Founder (2): A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving
dinner
Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when
stepped on.
Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by
fashionable large western belt buckles.
Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the
training bill from the ‘Big Name Trainer.'
Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to
your own body.
Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn
chairs and show bills.
Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially
in unmentionable places.
Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always
applies to pit toilets.
Head Tosser - A blonde haired woman who wears fashion boots while
working in the barn.
Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has
been stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo-
doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.
Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.
Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a
vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year;
can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope
burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of
making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed
so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
Manure spreaders - Horse traders
Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the
size of small birds.
Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite
one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit
cards are in by the end of show season.
Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you
work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.
Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and
sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported
semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a
horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the
people who own Quarter Horses.
Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who
come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the
knuckles.
Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.
Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides
at horse shows.
Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state
of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into
labor and foals.
Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a
false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend
at the horse show.
Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their
mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red
baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due
to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the
closest town.
Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your
horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30
minutes.
Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes
at a show.
Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a
loose horse in one afternoon.
Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a
wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped
from a company's inventory.
Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road
with a rambunctious horse in it.
Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail
rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a
wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves.
Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught
them previously.
Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or
run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.
Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.